Four months already and my belly is starting to seriously round up! I went to Varanasi from 20 to 29 October, and on my return my belly was a lot bigger than when I left! It seems not to grow for a long time, and suddenly: BAM! And pregnant feelings are interesting. Now it definitely feels like a pregnant belly when I pass my hands onto it. Before, it was just some kind of indistinct big-ish tummy. It also starts being uncomfortable after food. Breakfast is still OK as it’s lighter, but after lunch and dinner, I feel like it pulls from the insides, like there’s a lack of space in there… And I’m only half-way through!!!
Pregnant feelings: Baby has started moving
The most fun is to feel the wee creature inside me moving. I’ve been feeling him/her move for about a week now. In Varanasi, when I went to see N. Rajam (violin) and Niladri Kumar (sitar) in concert, I wondered whether my baby would react to the music… And actually, s/he reacted mostly to vocal! Before Niladri Kumar there was a performance by the vocal artist Pt. Devashish Dey. Now, although he has an incredibly sweet voice, I didn’t really like what he did with it this time (too much technical stuff). But that was when Baby reacted the most! Maybe because it was a human voice? At some point s/he bounced so much that s/he took me by surprise and I had to laugh! But it has never been as strong since… Mostly it feels a little like waves. My sister told me it felt like bubbles, but to me it’s just waves. That’s definitely the most fun (so far) about pregnancy, because the connection between my baby and I feels very unique, very special – something that I only feel, a great privilege…
And there’s a lot of love, obviously. I feel a lot of love for this part of my tummy. It’s funny to feel like that for my tummy… But that’s because there’s something very lovable inside. Weird! Oh, s/he’s kicking as I type!
Pregnancy feelings : not crazy for pregnancy
Pregnancy is definitely interesting… A very special time of my life, but I’m not sure if I like it completely. I have a lot to experience still, but I’m definitely not one of those women who would crave being pregnant! No, pregnancy is fun because you feel your baby moving inside you, and it’s interesting because you (well, I!) feel a lot more meditative than normal. I want to take my time. I love doing nothing and feeling, resting, sleeping, doing my yoga and my meditation, trying to be as aware as I can of what is going on within me. But I don’t feel like travelling or to be away from my husband, and I no longer want to go and isolate myself for a silent meditation retreat! It’s a great time to just be… Actually, I can’t help but feel like pregnancy is a bit like swimming. I love swimming, but whenever I come back to shore and my feet touch the ground I feel a lot better, a lot safer. To me pregnancy is a bit like that. It’s all going well and I’m fine, but I think I will be very happy after birth when I come back to my normal self!
Pregnancy feelings : not much violin
I’ve been having a hard time motivating myself to practise the violin. Sometimes I’m not even comfortable sitting, physically. So I gave up on the third year of the Prayag Sangeet Samiti diploma. I had wanted to give myself just that little challenge violin-wise, but now that reality is with me I think it will be too difficult to prepare for a violin exam, even an easy one, and to take it mid-May after Baby is born. I just have other things on my mind, and I just don’t want to force myself. I’ve always been really disciplined and studious with the violin, but at this time of my life I just can’t and I want to enjoy the fact that I can’t. Enjoy letting go for a bit (although I sometimes have to convince myself that it’s okay to let go, too…) So I play – sometimes. Often I don’t know what to play. Mostly I’ll just play a few alankars (exercises) and then go on to an alaap (slow, non-rhythmic improvisation). But I have absolutely no motivation to play fast! No jod, no jhala, no rhythm exercise!
Something quite unexpected even happened in Varanasi. I thought I would come back motivated again with music, after playing with my friend Jerome and after a few violin classes! It turned out my teacher was only available for class the last two days of my stay. I went for a class. I was late. Two other students were already there taking the class. Raga Jog. Oh my god! I hadn’t played it for ages which didn’t really help. This raga is quite ‘bluesy’ and I didn’t like it at all, because it somehow just felt too… masculine! I was okay with alankars and alaap, but as soon as Guruji started to play fast I just couldn’t carry on! Impossible. I had to stop and listen, and I didn’t even enjoy it much. Just couldn’t be bothered. Such a new and weird and interesting pregnancy feeling!!! I really just want to focus on the meditative stuff if I play – the slow, aware, focus of tuning, melody, notes. The feminine stuff, I guess! And the stuff I’ve always been more comfortable with, too.
And so I shall let it go a little… Enjoy my yoga and my meditation. And listen to music rather than playing it, because I still want to expose my wee one to music before s/he is born!